Choices

there are girls. there are 3. texting me. constantly. why cant they see. that they cant be. the one i need. (or can they be???). please help me see. the 1 i need. the one to feed. the one to breed. i dont need greed. ill let you lead. not to much speed. they fell in love. and so will we. . .

mental high

a state of complete and udder relaxation. this high is better that any that i could get from drugs. it usually happens once every 2 weeks, but this time it was the best. nothing can bring me down. im soo happy. im not even gonna spell check. no negativity, no nothing. you could sware that im on drugs im not sure that im not myself, but this is the weirdest and best thing ever. it feels like you just woke up next to the person you love. (not that i know what that feels like but im guessing) i feel like butter melting away. even if i imagine my worst fear (open water) i feel soo calm and serein. i feel like a leaf drifting in the waves. . .

Flashback

. . . 3 weeks in to the sickness of her. we brought her home only 1 week ago and they said she had 2 days left. i do a zombie like walk through school as no one even notices. as 3rd block arrives the tension is to much i must cry. i have been weeping through my first 2 classes but seeing my cousins face setts me off, and makes me remember. i text my sister and she agrees to come get me. my teacher asks me what is wrong, and the words couldnt come out, its to hard to talk and hold back tears at the same time. a simple shake of the head i guess would not be sufficient for her so i bust out in tears in front of the whole class and run to the bathroom. the office calls me down and i leave, toward to house were she is. . .

(i cannot live without you, but i will have to make do)

CAR

well 2 more weeks until a small portion of freedom arrives in the form of my drivers license. i bought my car 2day and its soooo cool. its an 02 Mazda protege es. and i love it.and im having writers block.

Addition

to add to my hatred of my parents on a special occasion me and my cousin got confirmed (weird church thing) and my mom gets him $15 and gets me a candy bar what a B$%^#!!!!!!

Valintimes

i have never had a good valintimes day. not once. but i just think that its a dumb excuse that hallmark, Hershey, and Victoria secret came up with to sell more product. but it is a chance for all the dating men to "get some". i have never had a girlfriend and i dont think that there worth it at this age. but i would really like someone to rely on to be my girlfriend. i need to get experience w/ having a girlfriend before i meet the 1 i love. i need some one to hold. but i just havent met her yet. . .

Attempt

im trying to be happy. i have done my best but i just cant be happy or nice at home. i hate every one there. im trying to get a job and am getting a car on Saturday. woowoo. theres not much to write about though other than. my Little omen sister has no began to realize the evil ways of the perentals. . .

Long overdue sigh

these last couple of days ive been bla. every moment that ive been happy i have put my self down almost begging to be sad. i dont want to be sad, but everything that has happened in the past keeps popping up in my brain. i feel i dont deserve to be happy. all of this is also causing artist block which is even worse because thats the only way other than this that i can get all of this out. im tired, bored and hurt. my thin outer "happy shell" is cracking and im out of glue. . .

Sigh

i am in my world history class trying to do my dumb assignment and its dumb all we have to do is copy paste what you find on the Internet. i decided to just write this. no one around me is working and i feel all alone still. i feel so conceded that all i think other people are thinking about is me and the only reason i write this is for you to read it. i wish i still had that get away of her house that smelt like dust and paint. me building Lego houses and cars as she sits behind me drifting of into sleep as we watch law and order. there was never any food other than ice cream and thats all we ate. . .

Why?

so as i walk down the hall all i can see is that every1 is looking at me and making awful remarks in there head.(even though no one is looking at me or even notices me for that matter.) i have no friends this semester. i have a strange blank sad look on my face that i quickly turn to a fake smile every time i see someone that i know in the halls. i hate dealing with the "you look sad r u ok." i know its a fourced saying that they have to say or they might "hurt my feelings" but my responce would be a practiced and meaningless, " no im fine just really tierd" so i try to avoid that whole process by putting the shell of the forgoten happy me on. . .

I will not forget you

all i hear is the soft hum of of the rosary, i block it out. i hold her cold deformed hand that is so soft. tears run down my face, as i kneel before this bed. i can hear her far apart raspy breaths. i feel the beads of the rosary in my other hand. by this point tears are flowing upon me. and she takes her last breath. . .