my turn to play

oooh how your heart aches.. my smile brings you tears... your confused? well so was i now its my turn to play. oh the bitterness of your medicine, you cringe as you drink it down. im enjoying this to much, swarm you leach swarm...

JENNY

Your such a fuckin tease why did i fall for you again... FUCK. you stupid bitch you cant grab my ass every 5 min., flirt with me constantly one minute, the the next turn around and say you just want to be friends you worthless leach i fucking hate you and i know im not the first youve done this to and i can tell i wont be the last...

why must you be so ...

why are you dating him he is gross and never showers. you are beautiful you are the princess to my castle the one i must save from him the dragon. but i hath not a sword or shield. . .

worthless boring

my life is shit and there is no one there. i feel empty with nothing to fill me. happyness will never come. im worthless other than flipping fucking burgers for ungreatfull sons of bitches that only want to point out what you did wrong, join the fucking club... when will this get good???

it hurts soo good

when i get burned or cut i love it .. pain is good. pain means i am hear. pain is to sensational so amazing so orgasmic that its all i want i want you to hit me punch me scratch me kick me, make me hurt...

no-one

i dont think i can ever love. im to ashamed. to far behind. i will forever be a loner me myself and the loneliness. i dont know whats wrong with me im so fucked up physically and mentally. most of the time all i can think about is death. when i see a couple together kissing, holding hands, whatever it makes me gag. i have no starting point i will not let you in, you will crush me and i know...

drive

i just want to get all my crap put it in my car and drive. take any road it doesnt matter just go. its not that im mad at any one or anything i just want to go. i want it to be a mystery of were i am and i just want to travel the americas, canada, mexico were ever. just drive...

mind games

i dont get it are you just leading me to the gallows. i stretch my neck out on the table wile you hold the meat clever behind your back. is this a game to you to lure then kill. do you like me or has this flirting all been part of your game i cant stand your tricks...

:L

so school is pretty good, im making leaps i never thought that i would. i still dont have any real best friends or even really good friends that i could feel completely comfortable with. im workin in a girl. but still wish i had a better social life...

fear for school

school starts and im scareed again all my friends were seniors, so now i have like 1 friend and well i highly doubt i have any classes with her... so if i dont make friends (or dont have the guts to) that means no partys, or fun, which means no life and a waste of my high school years.? i feel so stupid.

cut me up jenny

ok so you wont mix work and play, why not say that from the get go... well i no you like me and i like you ,,,, damn it i hate fudruckers...

oh really

sooo the flirting was i game, i gave in and you crush me. i should have known from you that you play with men like cheap $store toys, and throw them away after you mess with them for a quick minute.

?? :) ??

dear hot girl at work, who is a little full of herself but in a good way,

so are you really that into me or are you flirting for fun, pulling my strings like the puppet i am. my venerability makes you laugh. are you playing me or do you really want it...

Party?

im ready. i want to go out and live nothing matters now... not in a depressed way.. but i relize im just not that scared of death, and im ready to set it on the line. im excited to go out and let loose, im lookin to have a good time, no matter the price...

ok ok

by putting all those emails in i dont really imply that you need to read them all but it would be fine if you did

last days

yesterday we got up at 6:30 and ate breakfast. and then a taxi arrived (mercedes) and we went to the airport were everything went smoothly. until we got to the gate and in ryan airs flights its ga not assigned seats, so everyone was rushing in line so they could be on the plane first, but we had priority seats so we got to load onto the plane first anyway. when up in the air a lady in the isle across from us was getting a bag above her and another bag fell and landed on an old ladies head. and she was pretty hurt but ok and the other lady didnt even ask if she was ok or so sorry. but any way we got home safe and the taxi was nice home and when we got home laura took a nap and i went to the butchers and got a sausage roll. then the girls got home and got there presents from laura (a panokio) and for dinner we went to mcdonalds. i played with the girls then they went to bed. and simon got back from london and we had ice cream cones wile watching a comedian show then to bed... today i woke up and played with scarlet. and me and laura went to kate's house then to AZDA (english walmart) and it was very similar to walmart and laura bought me tons of sweets and biscuits and crisps for my flight. i ate a sausage roll in the cafeteria at azda and it was terrible, we got home and i played with the girls wile laura made shepherds pie and i packed. the shepherds pie was pretty good w/ corn and ice cream ...mmm and spotted dick for pudding, i like spotted dick (haha eww puke puke) but really it was good. then the girls went to bed and i got cuddles and kisses from zena but not from scarlet, then watched bigbrother w/ simon and laura wile making a facebook for laura hahah...

when in rome

on friday me and laura got up at 3:00 am, and the cab arrived at about 4:00. on the way we figured out that michael jackson was dead, can we have a moment of silence in his memory (....................................) jk haha but any way. we went to the east midland airport. which was pretty small and nice and we had priority seats (woowoo look at me moving up in the world) on ryan air (which is cheap and notoriously bad) but it was a nice flight, and i have realized that i LoVe flying i really do. it was a short flight and we were then in rome!!! we got a taxi to the hotel, and the driving is sooooooo relaxed were people were just merging in and out of lanes with no turn signals or anything and most the time your in the middle of the road, (it was pretty scary) but it was nice that the cars were back to normal and driving on the right side of the road (most of the time). also there was graffiti EVERYWERE really on every wall. on one of the main streets it was so bad that you could rarely see the wall. and sadly it was mostly tags not street art. then we dropped our bags off at the hotel and went toward the forum. it turns out we went the wrong way around it and so we had to back track and you had to buy a ticket but you couldnt buy a ticket for just the forum you had to buy it for the forum and the coliseum. so we decided to do that on sun. then we went and got some pizza and it was sooo good. then we went back to the hotel and had a nap. after that we went to the pantheon and piazza navona. the pantheon was outstanding. and then we went to the trevi fountain. i threw a coin in and we went to a restaurant down the street were i had spaghetti and it was amazing i think it was the Parmesan cheese that made it sooo good. for pudding we had gelato which is the best thing EVER its so smooth and creamy. after that we had an early night for an early morning the next day... on saturday we got up at 6:30 and had breakfast at the hotel and a taxi from a tour company was waiting for us outside and we went to the company building to buy the tickets for our tour of the Vatican. wile waiting for the bus we both made sure people thought we were english. because there was an american family that was acting bad and screaming and insulting this poor taxi driver because they wanted to hold the tour bus so they could go back to the hotel and get some glasses that they left. it was very embarrassing. but we left toward the vadican with out them THANK GOD. and me and laura were making bad jokes, about them and micheal jackson, and the tour, and basically anything. we got to the Vatican and all the other tour guides had sticks with crap on top or something so that there group will know were to go/follow. our guide, (who obviously didnt like her job and wasnt very good at it) had a newspaper to hold up. it was pathetic, she didnt give much info and it was partially incorrect , but the Sistine chapel was AMAZING. me and laura decided to ditch the tour and go back through the rest of the museum that the tour guide decided to skip right through. then we went to the pizzeria in the vatican museum and they only had cheese pizza and it wasnt very good either. then we went to the vatican post office and sent a couple of post cards. after that we went to St. Peters... it was soo beautiful. we went in and it was sooo big and soo amazing, and we saw Michelangelo's pieta, and it was gorgeous. i then went up into the dome of st.peters wile laura wandered outside. first the stairs took me to the inner part of the dome were i saw a ton of mosaic and painting, then up to the roof, then to the top of the dome, and you could walk all the way around it and it was soooo amazing seing all of rome from the top of st. peters. then i went back down (a different way) and on the roof there was another post office and gift shop. then back down. over 1000 steps twice but it was worth it. we were both very tired me more than her and we folded and took the bus back to the hotel for another nap. i didnt sleep i rested for a bit then went and shopped in the street next to our hotel. for dinner we went to a restaurant next to the hotel and it wasnt as good as the night before but ok. then more gelato.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... on sunday we got up at 7:00 and had breakfast on the roof again then walked to the coliseum. and i geuss they close most of the roads on sunday because the 2 main streets outside the hotel were closed along w/ other small streets we saw later. but we went around the coliseum twice before finding the entrance and we got there early so there wernt alot of people and it wasnt so hot. and i thought it would be crumbling and about to fall any minute but no it is very intact and solid. it left me speachless. we wondered around after that trying to find the forum and after about 45 min. we found it (like 5 min. away) we wondered around there and i didnt like it. it was just a bunch of crumbled collums and buildings, and not very nice. we then headed across the street to the pizza place we went to the 1st day. and i have to say it was even better. we rested at the hotel for a couple of hours then went to the spanish steps and some church (we went to like 10 churchs and walked in on 2 weddings) we saw some street artists and all the high end shops ( gucci, prada, dulche and cabana) all that crap were on the way. after the 2 sites we went back to the trevi fountain area and shopped and ate at a restaurant were i had a pizza (bigger than my head) with ham and it was sooooo good the best pizza in ages. we talked about family, and she kept mentioning people from normans side that she thought i would know but we know nothing. then we got our last gelato and stopped at our vending courner (that i forgot to mention) but its a little area of vending matines and they have beer and alcohol in them because there is no drinking age...

23

today i got up and hung around for a bit and packed for tomorrow journey. and for lunch i made myself a ham sandwich and crisps..mmm. and today the girls were off school and hannah came early w/ ben a little boy from scarlets class that she is nannying for a couple of weeks cause his dad has surgery and has to stay in bed. but after lunch me and hannah took the kids to playzone. which is a big indoor play place for kids. it has a ton of stuff like at incredible pizzas kid area to play in. it also had these big slides that were really wide and high. one of them had a couple of humps in it and the girls and ben loved it. then there was the blue slide which was straight down. i went on it and it was soo scary then zena wanted to try it and she loved it. we played for about an hour and a half, and the place was empty so it was fun. then we went home and scarlet and ben played together and zena took a bath wile hannah made dinner which was spaghetti and it was pretty good, after dinner i finished packing and hannah took ben home and laura took zena to brownies, and scarlet went with her. simon was in london all day, and laura was freaking out about packing. laura got back w/ scarlet and i took a shower, then laura needed to pick zena up so she wanted to leave scarlet at home and scarlet was very tired and screaming. she screamed and cried "i want my mummy" for about 20 min. untill she fell asleep. i could only think do you want king tut or a different mummy. haha not really. im going to bed early which isnt very helpful sense i have to get up at 3 anyway...

22

today i woke up and took a shower, had crumpets...mmmmm. and did some drawing then me and luara went to the co-opp (local store, just down the street... only like 10 houses down) and i got a pizza for lunch. after lunch me and laura went into newark (its so confusing but ive now got it ... we live in collingham, very close to newark {kinda like we call small towns outside kc or st.louis , st.louis and kc since its so close.} and newarks full name is Newark-on-trent) laura and i split up for about an hour wile i got some presents and she got cloths. then we met up at morrisons (the supermarket) and she had already done the shopping when i met her so we went to the car and went home. when we got i went down to the co-opp and got some candy and cookies to bring home and for every1 to try. when i got back me laura and simon all had a doughnut before the girls got home. i played w/ the girls wile laura made Tea which was steaks {in cream, :( } and potatoes and green beans. it was ok but kinda gross. then i played w/ the girls a bit and they went to bed and im having ice cream an laura is having a doughnut and simon is having tea... wile watching big brother...

21

today we just hung around for a bit and i did some drawing and laura took a nap cause she didnt get any sleep last night. i made myself a sandwich and watch some tv. then me and laura picked up scarlet from school. she had a fun day and had her face painted like a cat. and we all went to get ice cream and went to a chocolate shop then picked up zena and her friend and they all had chocolate for snack in the car. we dropped zenas friend off and went home and i listened to zena wile she was in the bath and laura made Tea wile watching scarlet. then scarlet hopped in the bath and laura bathed her wile the tea was in the oven. and i did zenas spellings with her which were surprisingly hard. then we had Tea which was sausages, potatoes and corn. and for pudding we had pineapple. then scarlet sent me to prison (in the hallway) and gave me toys. then they were off to bed and i think im gonna go down stairs in a minute and share some ice cream w/ simon when he gets home from london...

21

today we just hung around for a bit and i did some drawing and laura took a nap cause she didnt get any sleep last night. i made myself a sandwich and watch some tv. then me and laura picked up scarlet from school. she had a fun day and had her face painted like a cat. and we all went to get ice cream and went to a chocolate shop then picked up zena and her friend and they all had chocolate for snack in the car. we dropped zenas friend off and went home and i listened to zena wile she was in the bath and laura made Tea wile watching scarlet. then scarlet hopped in the bath and laura bathed her wile the tea was in the oven. and i did zenas spellings with her which were surprisingly hard. then we had Tea which was sausages, potatoes and corn. and for pudding we had pineapple. then scarlet sent me to prison (in the hallway) and gave me toys. then they were off to bed and i think im gonna go down stairs in a minute and share some ice cream w/ simon when he gets home from london...

20

today i woke up early so i could watch scarlet (she goes to a 1/2 day of school on monday and tuesday) wile laura took zena and some other kids to school. me and scarlet had rice krispeys and hot chocolate, and watched charlie and lola (the same episode 4 times). then she decided to made a bed and fort in the living room. then hanah (the nany) came and took over for me wile i took a shower and got dressed and stuff. then hanah and scarlet went to dance class and me and laura went to morrisons (superstore) and i picked out a pizza for me and hanah for lunch and fish sticks for scarlet and her friend. we also got some really good biscuits (cookies). we picked up a scratchers ticket and we won NOTHING, but thats alright we decided we were better that every1 else anyway. when we got home hanah popped some fish sticks, chips (fries), and the pizza in the oven. and scarlet picked out the plates and cups for her and her friend (it was her friends b-day a couple of days ago and scarlet had to miss the party so she had her over for lunch). lunch was good and i left before they opened the present but not befor we ate doughnuts!!. after lunch i just hug around wile laura did chores and such and hanah picked up zena and took her to chior. and we had an early dinner because i was to go hang out with josh again. and we had bacon sandwiches and crisps in front of the tv (unfortunately it was more charlie and lola). then josh and his dad and brother picked me up and we went to fencing practice.. and i did it 2 hahahaha. we put on the outfits and crap and started it was really funny. then we headed to the park for youth group.(just me and josh). youth group was kind a bust and they didnt have change for a 20 so we went to the store and got fanta and candy. then we walked back and played soccer then we went home. and me and laura talked and watched telli before i came up here to write this the i go to bed...

19

today we had crumpets for breakfast...mmm. then we hung around for a wile. and we went to lunch at the friendly farmer for lunch. i had roast pork, new potatoes, fried potatoes, and yorksire pudding. it was good except for the yorkshire pudding ,it was kinda burnt i think. and i guess i eat really slow cause every1 except scarlet was done 5 min earlier than me... but i digress. then we went to the castle in newark (the one that is in ruins) and there was a mid evil reenactment and it was ok but pathetic. after that we got ice cream and went to the park were scarlet and zena ran around, isaac helped scarlet and jessy helped zena and i went back and forth between the 2. we went home and the boys packed and left. and me and zena went up to the store and got some milk wile luara made tea(dinner) and simon gave scarlet a bath. for Tea we had spaghetti and it was pretty good. then me and the girls played hide and go seek, then went to bed. now me laura and simon are watching telli and eating chocolates...mmm....

18

today (friday) we all went to the park for a birthday party for one of the girls friends. it was cold and windy and looked like it was going to rain. there were sandwiches (if you could call them that) it was 1 piece of ham in a buttered bun. then joe came with isaac and jessy and dropped them off with us. there pretty cool they remind me of nick and michael. then we went and got ice cream and went to the sculpture garden. then we went home and about 3 other "big"(11-14) kids came over and like 4 littler kids (7-8). we played some games, and ate pizza and watched the matrix. then that night isaac and jessy stayed the night and we watched some telli and went to bed...

17

today (friday) we got up and went to a starbux and had our cinnamon rolls (delicious again) and headed to tate modern which i was so excited about. we went into like 6 dif. big galleries and there were warhol's and picasso's and oldenburg's and calder's, it was sooooooo great the best art galleries ive ever been to. we spent like 20 min in the warhol room alone. it was soo great. then we went back to leister square and got a sub sandwich and laura put me on a tour bus around london. it was pretty cool and i got alot of good pics of big ben., (well not really cause big ben is the bell not the clock). then we went to the british library and saw old bibles and crap and she told me that mom teared up when she went through it (how womanly). then we got our bags got some mcdonalds and headed home on the train. and when we got there laura left the car in the train stop parking lot so we rode home (and did i mention laura only just got her license about a month and a 1/2 ago) she is soo terrible... we laughed for about the first 15 mins as she tried to make it home then she finally got the hang of it again and we were ok...

16

well today (thursday) me and laura got up and went to starbux and thoroughly enjoys us some cinnamon rolls. then we went to the summerset house where there was an art gallery and there were a lot of monet's and cezanne's and gogan's. and there was the cezanne that is of the girl standing at the bar looking very mad (the one we have a print of in our dinning room) it was amazing. then we went to the British museum and saw alot of cool stuff but then we went and got lunch in the cafe and after i headed to my class on indian botanical painting and it was pretty nice and i made a really good piece. then we went to the basement of a church and had some drinks at the cafe, then did a brass rubbing (look it up cause im not explaining it). we went to an italian restaurant for dinner and i had a calzone that was as big as my head and was pretty good and i only managed 1/2 of it though. then we got some candy on our way home and went to bed... p.s.? i forgot to mention that on tuesday i went to the transformers movie wit this guy named josh who looked 18 or so but was only 14, he was cool though...

15

today (wendsday) me and laura hopped on a train to london. when we got there we stayed at the premier in. then we went on the underground (subway) to leicester square which was beautiful, it has a huge tower with a statue on top, 4 lions around it and 2 fountains on either side. there were a ton of people and street performers. we went into the national art gallery, were there were michelangelo's, raphael's, picasso's, van gogh's, and a da vinci. it was one of the most incredible experiences ive ever had to actually see all these famous pieces. for lunch we went to the big M (mcdonalds) and i had a mcchicken and fries. we then went to the national potrait gallery, which was also great to see all the portraits from many a years ago. then we went to simons work so we could go get dinner but he still had some work to do so we went to a cafe and had some hot chocolate and tea. then we stopped into the bruno movie premier. (yea ive been to a movie premier... its like whatever.) then we waited for simon outside his office, which did i mention is on top of a KFC...hahahaha. then we went through china town and into soho and had dinner at a niccer resteraunt. i had a burger and fries, and tried simons buble and squeek (i dont know whats in it but it like deep fried cabbage and crap.) it was pretty good. for pudding we had this ice cream that was soooo rich and flavorfull, it was a little much but it was ok. then we had a long walk back to the hotel, (but it was a great walk). we went to bed (oh and i got my own room, woowoo)...

14

now i havent been able to email for 3 days so im giving less of a summery...today (tuesday) i was with crosby and took the kids to school then went to her work, which is a big museum house thing with a huge garden. and she does research on different pieces and repairs textiles and things. but i took my sketch pad out to the gardens and drew one of them. theres a traditional garden with all the plants completely trimmed so it looks like many sculptures. then theres a big rose garden, and theres a greek/mediteranial garden. they were all so stunning. then me and cros met up at the cafe and had baked potatoes and cake wich were ok at best. then simon and laura met us and laura bought me and simon a stick of rock wich is a candy that looked like a candy cane stick (the ones that are not curved) but in the center it was a chewy airy thing and was sooo good. we got back and that night me laura and simon shared a cider and simon showed us google trends (do it) were you put something in and it tells you how popular it is how fun...

13

today me and crosby went out shopping and to some art galleries. we went to the theatre to see if we could have a peek in the auditorium and the security guard gave us a whole tour of the stage and everything it was great. and before we left i asked if she though i should take my jacket (even though it was sunny and beautiful) and she said no we will just take a couple of umbrellas just in case... and half way through our walk it started to pour heavily. but it stopped about 30min later. we also went to a cathedral... not very exciting anymore now that ive been to like 10. we then went to the "sheffield scene" were they have alot of things made in sheffield. (which did i mention sheffield is a city pretty big like KC size, and it has a large steel industry) so we got some gifts... more info when you get them. we just mozzied around a little bit then got back on the bus and went home (and no it wasnt double decker). we picked up lucy from school but adam had some club meeting so he stayed. then for dinner we had this italian dish that was made from that same italian woman that made the tiramisu at the bbq. but i guess she comes over every tuesday and makes 3 or 4 dishes and freezes them. but i was delicious. we thought it was lasagna, but when we dug into it it was big huge shell noodles stuffed w/ cheesy herby something in a butch of red sauce. then we all just kinda hung around...

12

today i woke up and we started preparing things for a big street party bbq today. me and lucy made brownies wile adam made the burgers and kabobs. and in all the burgers here they put onions and crap in it, its ok i guess but i prefer i all beef patty (special sauce, onions pickles lettuce....on a sesame seed bun...idk if thats how it goes but you catch my drift {mcdonalds?}) but any whozal. lucy took me for a walk up to the botanical gardens by there house and its huge and soo beautiful, we did a riddle hunt were there is a riddle on a stone or something that tells you were the next riddle is and so on and so fourth. but i offered to get her ice cream and se declined so we went home after the hunt. i then chopped up some veg (no1 here seems to want to say the whole word vegetable, its just veg.) and we ate ham sandwiches for lunch. then joe and his wife idk her name and issac came over (jessi was on a school trip) by the time 3 arrived every1 got some thing and we headed down the street were they had blocked off a section. it was booooillinnn (as scarlet would say) and there was sooo much food adam cooked of course, and it was pretty good. and the house next to the one we were set up at had a bunch of college people that were all drugged out and passing weed around to eachother. it wasnt very good seeing that there were so many children around. but all the kids had a water fight and it was funny. for pudding we had ice cream marshmallows and tiramisu (made by a real italian). it was so good then we all sat and talked for a wile and munched on the left over food. we took everything back and now im just sitting here and will go to sleep soon...

11

today i slept in then had some rice krispies for breakfast and scarlet had a complete melt down because her rice krispies were soggy and she wanted more (which happens every morning then she gets more then they go to waste cause she doesnt eat them.) but today she had a melt down because laura wouldnt give her more cause she knew they were going to go to waste. but then for lunch i watched the girls for a bit wile laura ran to the butcher about 10 houses down, to get some ham and roast beef for peta bread sandwiches. it was pretty good. and we had pineapple for pudding (or puuddiiiinnnn, as scarlet would say). then i strapped the girls in there car seats as laura got jackets and such (which was dumb because it was beautiful out today. and we were off to /some park somewhere were we met crosby. but we got ice cream and sarlet and zena got it all over themselves. then we went for a walk around the ruins around the park (and scarlet didnt want to go so to persuade her to go laura said she could be the leader, very regretfully) zena went her own way which royally pissed scarlet off and she started screaming at the top of her lungs "im the leader!!!" and it all turned bad and we headed toward the car and i grabbed my bags and said my good byes and me and cros left. it was about an hour and a half ride and crosby is THE MOST soft spoken women. i could bairly hear a word she said. then we picked Lucy up from here very very rich friends house. and went home as lucy talked and talked and talked. but they live in a very nice home and i like adam he is very tall. and nice along with bob. we made pizzas (well adam did most of the work, making the dough) and we watched a movie filmed around these parts, which was good then we are all headed to bed now, but its been a good day...

10

all right well laura's internet broke down last night so i couldnt email, but i will tell you what happend. . . i woke up early and we took the girls to school then we went to the pub for breakfast, (and i know what your thinking, ohh a pub getting drunk at the beginning of the day that sound great...) but it was me this 2 year old boy and about 15 middle aged mothers who couldnt shut up. i had scrambled eggs, which were terrible and soggy and i almost threw up. then after about 2 hours of that me and laura went shopping and oh my god there are a ton of shops down this almost a wall hill. and i bought a jacket well i wanted to buy the jacket but laura forced her way to the cashier and said it will be the last clothing she will buy for me. and we almost had a fist fight to see who could pay first. but anyway, we went to a candy shop and the pound store were we bought way more than needed. then we went to this clothing store, and i wish soooo bad that we had one because there were a ton of cool cloths that were very cheap and i got a t-shirt. oh we went to a museum that wasnt that cool but hey it was alright. and all the cloths i saw were so much cheaper than at home it was great. for lunch we got ice cream and cheese straws. i loved the ice cream, toffee , its very popular here got little bits of toffee in it. /the cheese straws tasted like a cheezit but it was philo dough with /shredded cheese in-between most of the layers the baked and cut into strips. then we got my rail pass which i was told will save me $ when we go to london. then we walked up steep hill (not a good idea) and picked the girls up plus 2 others. i sat in the boot (trunk) and it was so hot (finally) but when we got home all the girls ran a muck and another mom showed up to help so i bee lined for the flat, (i miss you dad), to many girls in one day. then i guess the girls made pizzas and i had ice cream and a ham sandwich, (good thing i told laura about my ice cream addiction) i need ica (ice creamiest anonymous. but any way i packed watched big brother (me and laura are hooked) and took a shower. then went to bed.

email home from newark 8

today i woke up early and we took the girls to school then after ward we were going to go around lincoln and shop, but we had to stay w/ scarlet for zoolab, were a girl came in w/ a bunch of animals (small ones of course) and showed them to the kids. you could pet them or hold them if you wanted but every time she came around to scarlet she didnt want to. then when she came around w/ the snake scarlet decided that that one was going to be the only 1 she was going to touch. me and laura were very proud and so laura took us to an ice cream parlor, which was very old and very good, and i had to sneak the bill up to the counter so i could pay. then we went home and met joe for lunch were we had soup and sandwiches, which were ok but the soup was gross. joe looks like dannies feternal twin, and there alike in many way. i liked him alot. then me and laura went to dottington hall which was great because it didnt involve the history of politics, and had an amazing garden, i got alot of pics. we got home and laura made a really good cheesy pasta and meat balls. oh for pudding for both lunch and dinner i had eden mess, which is strawberries, marange, cream, and rasberry jam all mixed together and it was great. and i gave the girls there presents and they loved it. but nowe i think im gonna have some more milk and cookies then go to bed. . .

email home from newark 9

today for breakfast i had a crumpet and it was very very good. then me and laura went into newark. we went to a couple of small museums then to some shops and we went into a small old cafe (yes another one), and laura said she took mom there and they have a ton of old china. then we went to the supermarket and laura shoved many odd things into the cart that i needed to try (one of which was spotted dick) and she did this with that mischievous look on her face. oh and the carts are all hooked together at the return by a chain on one hooked into a thing on the next cart and so on and so on but you have to put a pound coin in the cart to unhook it then when your done you hook it back and it pops you coin out. but any way we went to a new tea shop to have lunch and i had a ham and chesse panini that was amazing and an ice cream cone for pudding. then i went on a walk and drew a picture of the church wall. then when i got home hannah had made lasagna and it was ok but zena didnt like it and scarlet had 4 helpings. and for pudding me and laura split a beer (which was subteler than american but still not good) and a chocolate bar...

email home from newark 7

today me and laura went to her friend kates house who is very much like mom. we had hot drinks (and me and laura took a tour around the house, which used to be a farm house and shop. it had a bread oven in the bathroom too, one of the big ones that you see in commercials like w/ pizza, and theres a cellar were they kept all the milk and meat.) then some other ladies dropped in and we all went to kates shop out back in her shed, it was a great little shop with things that she made such as jewelry and things that mom would make. and i bought a couple of gifts. then we met hanna and scarlet at the pub around the corner for lunch. and i had pork something on a potato cake, and its the most flavorful thing ive had yet. for pudding me and scarlet had ice cream. after we got back i took a walk around by myself and popped into the little shop by the house and had a little look around and the lady working there looked very mean and was cold to me when i tried to be nice but hey you cant win over everyone. a also went to the butcher which was very cool. i went to the store and got some candy, one called bounty which was like a mounds. very exciting!. then for dinner we had pork chopps mashed potatoes and corn and it was very good. now for pudding im in the flat having milk and cookies watching big brother and trying some of the things laura has put up here for me to eat and i have to say i HATE jaffa cakes!!!...

email home from newark 6

today we took a tour of newark (the other tour was just of there little village, which at the time i thought was newark but , its just a small part of it.) in newark we saw the castle ruins were the castle was burnt down, and the outside was stone but everything inside was wood so it was very venerable. and the river runs right in front of in so we had a terrific view from a window in the castle. then we went to the market and went to the bank to exchange $ --> €, because i havent bought anything, laura wont let me pay for anything she wants to buy it for me which i find quite terrible. we went into a shop to find some trousers (trousers because pants are girls underwear, which i didnt find out until today, so i have been telling people about my girls underwear, not my "pants" all this time)(oh and you dont even want to know what a fanny is, which makes fanny packs sooooooo funy to the brits) but anyway... and we went into a shop and , i must say the english have style, i wouldnt have a hard time spending hundreds of $s in that place, and everything is reasonably priced not $55 for a pair of trousers. but i found a pair of (well im going to say pants for emails because it more familiar and easier to type) pants i liked and was going to try them on and went into what i would not call a fitting room at all more of a " i can barely move in here room were i change cloths" but in the end the pants fit and of course laura and i fought because she insisted on paying, but she won. we went to a coffee shop for lunch and i saw on the menu on the wall that they had a baked potato with cheese and bacon and i lit up thinking of it as a delicious shredded cheddar and bacon bit potato, so thats what i ordered. when it came it was a potato with torn up pieces of a white cheese of sorts and thick pieces of bacon on a potato, the cheese wasnt very good but otherwise ive had worse. we went to the church there which i got a lot of pics of, because simon let me borrow a digital camera so i dont have to buy so much film. and it was old as well as everything here. then we went to waitrose, the supermarket, and shopped for thing that i might like, and when we got around to the drinks she bought me alot of sodas and juices that she gave me that look on were she knows they are very bad but they are traditional drinks and wants me to try them, and i say hay i only have to have it in my mouth once. i havent tried them yet but prolly tomorrow. oh and that alcoholic drink i had at the party last night was pimms, which people put cucumbers in. but it wasnt my fancy. when we got home laura broke the iron and shorted the cirut, but we fixed it and went to get a new iron. hanna looked after the girls most of the day, and made sausages and buns for dinner, which i was scared of the sound of it. but it was like little breakfast sausages ( with a different taste, really good though) on a hot dog bun, mine w/ ketchup. but it was much better than a hotdog, and it actually had flavor unlike most foods here. then me and scarlet had a hula-hoop lesson from zena. then it was bed time for the girls. then me and laura had a long nice chat, i really like talking to her shes such a great person...

Email home from Newark 4

today we hung around for a bit then went to a work house. the work house is a victorian poor house were poor people came to live but they all got seperated into different sections so they couldnt see there family unless they left. they did this because it was law that they had to accept any poor person in and that would mean more money to bee spent on food and such, so they didnt want it to be an enjoyable thing. obviously by the name you can tell that they had to work ver hard and for a long time with no pay (except for stay and meals). it was pretty cool and zena was very excited becaused she had been learnig about it in school. then for dinner we had mcdonalds wich was quite different because they had the burgers and mcchicken and fries (chips) but everything else was different they had a deli section with all sorts of wraps and crap and instead of cookies like mom usually gets there are muffins,brownies, and get this dougnuts. so zena got fish sticks, scarlet got chicken nuggets, laura got some bean wrap, and simon got a burger, and i had a mcchicken wich had a a diffent crust on the chicken then in america, at home its spicy and flavourful, but here it was plain, but still good, i think it was better quality meat though. Oh and for lunch we had tomatoe soup and peta bread and the tomatoe soup was different it had more spices and things in it and was good even though i dont like luiquid lunch. earlier in the day me and the girls did some draawing and it was fun i think laater in the week i will go out to the churches and draw. but at bed time i read the story again, then watched some tellie with laura as simon packed for his trip to LA tommorow. oh and laura added that one of the guys i went to the movies with who was american, his aunt was audrey hepburn, she thought mom might like that...

Email home from london...well really its Newark aboout an hour away

today i took a tour of newark and saw the post office, butcher, chemist, police station, and grocery store. and for dinner we went to pizza express, look it up it is soooo good. laura picked the girls up then me and simon before hand and scarlet was dead asleep with chocolate all over her face, it was hilarious. scarlet bumped her knee at the castle ruins when me simon and the girls were playing tick (tag) and it was cute watching her run around laughing, she never stops laughing, except when she scraped her knee, then she didnt stop screaming. we got a plaster (band-aid) and went back home. and since then scarlet warmed up to me and was cuddling with me during story time (were i read the story tonight) but, before bed time we played hide and seek outside but scarlet cheated and went in every time. one time me and scarlet went in to hide and she ran up stairs (she is very very fast) and took her shoes off in front of a closet that she hid in and i hid behind a door next to it, and i was thinking, scarlet you really dont think zena is going to know that you are in there since you have gone inside every time, you announced in the car that that was your favorite hiding spot, and you have your shoes right outside with your very heavy breathing. apparently this didnt occur to her and zena found her easily. but it was very fun. me simon and laura just finished watching americas got talent and we ripped apart every act it was quite humorous...

email to home from london 2

today i went to lincoln with laura and we went to the chapel which was amazing then to the tea shop were mom alex john and karen all went and had a hot chocolate and a scone, which i didnt think i would like but i thought it was pretty good, oh and did i forget to mention for the last couple of days it has been really cold and cloudy, but i didnt like the whipped cream on the scone or the hot chocolate, but i made do. and i signed my name in the guest book / the last one to do it to. then we went to the castle were we saw the fake magnicarta, because ironically the real one was on tour in the states, i walked the walls of it and was amazed in the size of both the castle and chapel. after that we picked up the girls which made me laugh because zena has to wear this odd straw hat and blazer, and scarlet ran ahead of us the whole way to the car which set me on edge, cause i was scared that she was gonna get run over. we went home and had pie, witch just the thought of scared me half to death, thinking of a pot pie, but it was good, there were no vegetables in it and i had chicken not minced meat, which scarlet thoroughly enjoyed more than 3/4ths of, she cant EAT. after dinner the girls went to brownies (girl scouts) and simon returned soon after that. one of simons friends picked me and him up and a few of there other friends and we went to see startreck, which was good but i thoroughly enjoyed them and have come to like simon a lot. and hes leaving for LA on sunday and getting back saturday and on sunday theres a bbq after church...

Email home from london

well surprisingly i slept through most of the 9 h flight and missed the meals but had some pringles and oreos that i ate. looking out on the topps of the clouds was outrageous, i spent most of my time on the planes sleeping or with my face glued to the window. when i got to chicago i was lost for a little but asked people and found my way, the flights were great and amazingly i enjoyed them a lot. when i arriver i had to go through customs and the guy was angry (cross) haha, because mom and dad didnt write a letter saying simon was infact there to pick me up and that i didnt know there address, but they called simon because that was the only contact info i had of his and it was all sorted out. i dropped my bags about ten times before i actually saw simon (and i had to hold back my laughter) him standing there with his crazy hair and big sign. but we got on the trains and eventually made it to , well were we are i dont remember the name but its like whateva, where laura picked us up. when i got to the house she showed me around and hanna, the nanny, came home with scarlet and we had some lunch, and during lunch scarlet was sizing me up and staring me down. then i took a nap and got up to dinner, which was very good. we had roasted chicken with green beans bread mashed potatoes (which scarlet had a great time of mashing, not very well though so had to help) and yorkshire pudding which isnt pudding at all, really nothing is specifically pudding, its just the dessert but yorkshire pudding wasnt a dessert it was a bread that was very good and scarlets favorite but zena couldnt have any because she cant have eggs, she allergic. so she ate about five pieces of regular bread. also zena went on and on about maddy and when they could see each other again and if she could come over next year or if they could go to the states. then we had a bean eating contest and scarlet cheated every time so they had to start over. it was quite cute. for pudding we had roulade or like a jelly roll, it was good. but zena and scarlet had jellys, there kinda like jello. then they took baths and read a story and went to bed and i watched a little tv and me and simon figured out how to connect my laptop to the internet. and even though the sun set at 9:30 its 11:30 and i think ill watch a little bit of telly the go to sleep, and surprisingly there are a lot of american shows and music over here...

Wait what?

i know nothing around my house anymore. its almost like they plan things fun to do on the days that i have to work i mean before i worked we did NOTHING and so it was so boring. but now that i work they do shit all the time (but not on the days i work) seriously yesterday i had off and i wanted to do something but NOOOOO, but tonight i do have to work and there going to dinner and a movie WTF. i mean just the simple fact that there was a tv crew in my house filming an infomercial when i got home that i knew noting about is i think enough proof that no one tells me anything any more. . .

life in general

well escaping routine is oh so hard. i try to mix it up as much as posible but for now i just cant help but be bored, but im ok with that because im leaving for london in 12 days and wile im there im going to paris and rome. can you believe it me in rome i cant wait. i just bought a new camera and am ready to leave. i have about $1000 in spending money saved up, oh and did i mention my aunt that im staying with over there is paying for my whole trip. YEAH. . .

Basically fuck you

fuck my life. i think that we were better as just friend... yea ok thats girl code for im really unattracted to you and dont really want to be associated as your "girlfriend" so im breaking up with you. well i nod and dont listen to a word you say after that and well im about to yell soooo loud i mean what the hell did i do!. i guess i just repulse girl, i dont know. im nice kinda badass because most girls hate "the nice guy" but she was my first gf and im 16 what the hell. rejection is all to familiar. . . but you always still want to be "friends" well look at the title. . .

:)

things are looking up i guess other than the loneliness which has kinda been fixed with ashley and i think its mostly because i work so much i can just ignore my "family" and the dumb things they do. . but i guess i'll just have to have a big house party this weekend since im gonna be all alone. JK. . . or am i ?!?. . .

Things happen

im pissed my mother just so happend to decide to tell me that we are going to South Dakota to see my sister only 6 days before the trip.! that means that my schedule for work is already up and the only days i work are the days that they will be gone, and trust me ive tried and no one wants to trade hours with me. . .

CRASH

i lost it lost control, driving tired is a bad idea but it was a necessity. long night of work leave at 12:30 and then boom, crash, slide, skid, i scream i check im fine i think, maybe not mentally but physically i seem to be ok and i imagine the look of my car but not the look of the newly crashed into wall that is pure concrete and im positive is fine, i sit, thoughts race, darkness, headlights, "are you ok!!!" , no!.. well yes im fine, back out bumpers fucked but drivable. turning corners to fast was a bad idea . . .

great

shes ashley shes beautiful... familys a little weird but i can cope... shes fun to be around and shes my girlfriend.

1st?

i dont know about her or this so called relationship we've started i kinda like her and ive herd and got hints that she likes me. we went to a movie today and i got kinda confused on what to do i dont know if she wanteed it to be a freind date or a date date so i kept my hands to myself but make comments such as date date quallity. i hope things work out. . .

Lonely

im so lonely. i go to school were i find my self asking any and everyone in my classes if they need a ride home just so i can have that extra 5 min not by myself. i come home (alone) get dressed and leave for work were other that the constant yelling back and forth of me and the cook of orders so that i can fry whats needed to be fried to make these rude god damned people undeserving of food even though they paid for it happy, im all alone. i clean alone and drive all the way across town alone and come into the house at 11:00 and am alone until the morning when i ask my parents for $ for both lunch and dinner and they bitch and bitch wile i just stand there, not listening because i know im gonna get what i want, just a warm meal, and leave alone to school, yea i see my friends but i feel lost in a crowd. then someone hits the restart button. . .

Double shift

i work a double shift from 12:00 noon to 1:00 in the morning. this is after closing the night before which was 5:00 to 12:00. i came home achy and tired not ready for the double shift the next day. when ii wake up i ate a bowl of cereal and got dressed and left. by about 9:00 that night i was sooooo tired and my blood sugar was so low. we close at 11 and i was counting down the minutes. i had just cleaned all the fryers, counters, and freezers, and was restocking the freezers when at 10:40 a group of 60!! home schooled mofos that have a basketball tournament walked in. i was soo fireingly pissed. (i dont spit in food) but if i did i would have a nice large loogie for them. they didnt leave till 12, and then i put up 100 chairs mopped, scrubbed the kitchen floor, and walls, rerestock freezers, and clean counters once again. my blood sugar was so low i thought i was gonna pass out more than once. i speed home not really caring if i get pulled over or not because im on the brink of tears from the pain in my leggs and back because i was only allowed to sit down once for 5 min. in those 13hrs. ( i dont know how thats legal ) but once i get home my mo i waiting in the kitchen with a pizza and cookies for me. . .

Grounding her from me was a bad choice

Dear Kelly,
i just wanted to clear some things up so. i have a girlfriend, and its not your daughter. i do not have sex and am not planning to until i get married. i do not do drugs, smoke, or drink. i have straight A's rite now. i go to church every Sunday. i have never been arrested, pulled over, or had charges pressed against me. if there is anything else you need to know or any questions or problems then you need to come speak with me.

disappointment

i wish i could take it back. i wish my life wernt so busy. i wish i had that sweet 16th birthday party but i didnt have time and now i will never have it, ever. i will never turn 16 again. i will never have another change to have that big bash, and i fully regret it. i think that one of the biggest reasons i didnt have it was because i dont have any friends that i would really enjoy it with, friends that would be themselves and make it a great time. i mean i have acquaintances, that i might sit with in class, talk to at lunch, or text every once in a wile that i would call a friend, but know that we will never do anything together outside of school, or even class. i had friends but i became detached ever since i mover to a new school, now they too have fallen into acquaintances . . .

Cycle

i urge to speed, to run, to leave. to just run away from all my problems knowing very well that they'll just come back and bite me in the ass, till i run away again to renew the cycle. i cant bring myself to ending this cycle this agony this depression, i feed off of it i live off of it, i dont think i can live without it. its an addiction a disease, its very sick and twisted. i cant bring myself to letting go to changing, and to really being happy. ive never accepted her death, and i think thats the problem. . .

Visitation

i visit your grave for the first time in almost a year. i dont know how i can cope with out you so i try so hard to forget so hard to just pretend like it never happened, this closing has never come to me. i cant let you go i cant let this happen. y did you leave me. i held you so gently so soft and you drifted away like a leaf in the breeze never to be seen again. and i still cry as i write this, and i cry in the car waiting outside your grave fighting to bring myself out of the car and just sit with you like nothing ever happened even though you 6 feet below me. . .

16

im 16 today and i have freedom finally. i got my license and i have a car. this is going to be good. i cant wait to go. i feel this speed. and i have to say its amazing. the feeling of calm wile your all alone on the road, no other cars, nothing, this is the place for me. . .

End of the movie

i want to be soo far away from this place im in. i want to be the only one in the parking lot, the only fish in the sea. i want to be all alone in the middle of a wheat field. the sadness i feel gets amplified by the people around me with there relationships and their happy families, and there beauty. and i have to be with them knowing that i will never be as good as any of them. im the lost puzzle piece, the spoiled milk, the dull knife. and no one wants me. . .

Choices

there are girls. there are 3. texting me. constantly. why cant they see. that they cant be. the one i need. (or can they be???). please help me see. the 1 i need. the one to feed. the one to breed. i dont need greed. ill let you lead. not to much speed. they fell in love. and so will we. . .

mental high

a state of complete and udder relaxation. this high is better that any that i could get from drugs. it usually happens once every 2 weeks, but this time it was the best. nothing can bring me down. im soo happy. im not even gonna spell check. no negativity, no nothing. you could sware that im on drugs im not sure that im not myself, but this is the weirdest and best thing ever. it feels like you just woke up next to the person you love. (not that i know what that feels like but im guessing) i feel like butter melting away. even if i imagine my worst fear (open water) i feel soo calm and serein. i feel like a leaf drifting in the waves. . .

Flashback

. . . 3 weeks in to the sickness of her. we brought her home only 1 week ago and they said she had 2 days left. i do a zombie like walk through school as no one even notices. as 3rd block arrives the tension is to much i must cry. i have been weeping through my first 2 classes but seeing my cousins face setts me off, and makes me remember. i text my sister and she agrees to come get me. my teacher asks me what is wrong, and the words couldnt come out, its to hard to talk and hold back tears at the same time. a simple shake of the head i guess would not be sufficient for her so i bust out in tears in front of the whole class and run to the bathroom. the office calls me down and i leave, toward to house were she is. . .

(i cannot live without you, but i will have to make do)

CAR

well 2 more weeks until a small portion of freedom arrives in the form of my drivers license. i bought my car 2day and its soooo cool. its an 02 Mazda protege es. and i love it.and im having writers block.

Addition

to add to my hatred of my parents on a special occasion me and my cousin got confirmed (weird church thing) and my mom gets him $15 and gets me a candy bar what a B$%^#!!!!!!

Valintimes

i have never had a good valintimes day. not once. but i just think that its a dumb excuse that hallmark, Hershey, and Victoria secret came up with to sell more product. but it is a chance for all the dating men to "get some". i have never had a girlfriend and i dont think that there worth it at this age. but i would really like someone to rely on to be my girlfriend. i need to get experience w/ having a girlfriend before i meet the 1 i love. i need some one to hold. but i just havent met her yet. . .

Attempt

im trying to be happy. i have done my best but i just cant be happy or nice at home. i hate every one there. im trying to get a job and am getting a car on Saturday. woowoo. theres not much to write about though other than. my Little omen sister has no began to realize the evil ways of the perentals. . .

Long overdue sigh

these last couple of days ive been bla. every moment that ive been happy i have put my self down almost begging to be sad. i dont want to be sad, but everything that has happened in the past keeps popping up in my brain. i feel i dont deserve to be happy. all of this is also causing artist block which is even worse because thats the only way other than this that i can get all of this out. im tired, bored and hurt. my thin outer "happy shell" is cracking and im out of glue. . .

Sigh

i am in my world history class trying to do my dumb assignment and its dumb all we have to do is copy paste what you find on the Internet. i decided to just write this. no one around me is working and i feel all alone still. i feel so conceded that all i think other people are thinking about is me and the only reason i write this is for you to read it. i wish i still had that get away of her house that smelt like dust and paint. me building Lego houses and cars as she sits behind me drifting of into sleep as we watch law and order. there was never any food other than ice cream and thats all we ate. . .

Why?

so as i walk down the hall all i can see is that every1 is looking at me and making awful remarks in there head.(even though no one is looking at me or even notices me for that matter.) i have no friends this semester. i have a strange blank sad look on my face that i quickly turn to a fake smile every time i see someone that i know in the halls. i hate dealing with the "you look sad r u ok." i know its a fourced saying that they have to say or they might "hurt my feelings" but my responce would be a practiced and meaningless, " no im fine just really tierd" so i try to avoid that whole process by putting the shell of the forgoten happy me on. . .

I will not forget you

all i hear is the soft hum of of the rosary, i block it out. i hold her cold deformed hand that is so soft. tears run down my face, as i kneel before this bed. i can hear her far apart raspy breaths. i feel the beads of the rosary in my other hand. by this point tears are flowing upon me. and she takes her last breath. . .

What happend to simple

i dont know what im looking for in this but its a false sense of security that seems to work for now. i dont know what a meaningful life is, and i dont know what i want to do with my life. i cant decide , all i know is that i want to do art, have enough money and travel through out the world. i kinda miss the good old times when life was simple, when your little, and dont know that anything in the world is bad. one of my best friends lived in a meth house across the street from me, but we didnt know what that was and so we just hung out and had fun like little kids are supposed to do. i miss the days at my grandmas house, when me and her would just paint, we were so close and i loved her. . .

Crap

we have had 3 snow days and for the most part they hav been great. the first day was the worst because i had to watch my little sister. the last two days i went over to my cousins house. i had lot of fun over there, they are like my second family. now that im home i feel like complete and total shit. im now bak to everyone stepping all over me and my life being a total hell. i am almost ready to lash out, only a little more than a month. once i turn 16 and have a car i can leave when ever. . .

Hatred

i dont think that i can keep on living like this. i am deeply depressed and fully enraged. what am i supposed to get out of this. a life of slavery, everything around me is fake. they only love me because they have to, they only do it when its good for them or they have no better choices. he only buys me things so i dont catch on, well guess what i have and for some odd reason ive put up with it. they want me to talk to them with more respect, they dont deserve respect. it is taking all of my energy not to lash out right now, just a quick phone call to my sister then they no know the truth, the strong hatred i have toward them, then my sister will arrive to pick me up. i could live with her for a couple of weeks. they probably wouldnt care if i was gone, i would only hurt 3 people at most, but not them, not their perfect little 3 person family with the reject thrown in. these last three years all i have thought about is different ways of suicide, gun, rope, run in front of a car, knife, hammer, pencil, anything. anything to stop this agony. i just cant bring myself to do it. . .

Sick in hell

i wake up before everyone else with my body aching all over. i know that i have to go to school today because today is "the first day" and a lot of people wont know each other very well and we will all be in the same boat but if i come tomorrow i will be the outsider, everyone else will be used to each other and i will be more of the "new kid" than ever. i get up and do my normal routine then take 3 ibuprofen. i am now ready to go and it is 4 min. after our normal departure time which means i will most likely be late. i yell for my dad to hurry up or we'll be late and he responds by yelling at me and uses the F- word 3 times when he's in the wrong. we arrive with 3 min. to spare and i slam the car door shut and walk to my class. i notice very quickly that i dont know anyone i my class so i sit at a table that no one has sat at yet, the ibuprofen has taken affect now but the shaking has not gone away, this time its not because i am sick but because i am so nervous of what other people think of me. i make it through the class without making a sound. i check my schedule about 30 times before we leave for our next class because i dont want to go into the wrong room. my next class was very small and all we did was watch the inauguration, so i made it through pretty easy, by this point the ibuprofen is starting to ware off and i am getting more and more paranoid. i text the 4 people that i know to see what lunch they have. only 1 had the same lunch as me, after 2nd block my legs were aching really bad and my throat felt like there were knifes being stuck in it. i sat with my 1 friend in a very cramped lunch room wile i ate my chocolate shake. i went to my third block and the girls at my table were very annoying and i just wanted to kill my self, but the teacher is awesome. by the end of the class i felt the worst i did all day. i stumble upstairs to my last class of the day running a fever and all around sick i sit down and am surrounded by freaks, i am not quick to judge, but they were weird and sense i thought this of them i was positive that they thought this of me which made me even more self conscience and so our teach came in, she is the worst by far, and tells us that she doesnt like it when students use the restrooms and she is going to have homework every night. she doesnt take late work and is just mean. she goes through the syllabus and then assigned us 40 problems to do for homework and a worksheet. she gave us 15 min. in class. i used about 3 of those min. before i gave up. i put my things away and lade my head down. i wake up and there is still 5 more min. until this day is over. my whole body is numb from the pain. 1min. i get my things and stand as the bell rings. i am pushed aside by the 31 other people that want to get out of that class. i am pushed down the hall ways by the 100s of people trying to get down the steps. i was dreading the steps, i forcefully went down them fast and afterwards my legs were throbbing.i stepped out side which is about 2 degrees F and i walk as fast as possible home because i had to pee soooo bad because my last teacher wouldnt let me, i was still moving quite slow though because of my legs might i add, i then passed Bri's truck, she gives me a ride home sometimes. she is no were in sight today, the day when i need her the most. i talk to myself wile i walk because it helps me get my mind off of the elements ,the fact that i have to pee so bad and my whole entire body throbbing with pain. i was finally on my grandmas street and could see the red truck, which hadnt moved in years , which is my half way point. once i reached the red truck i could See through the bushes a shiny yellow glare and knew that my dad was here to pick me up early. feelings of joy and of rage came over me. i was happy to know that i was going to be in my bed soon, but mad at the man who yelled at me for no reason this morning. i come up to the drive way and see that neither my grandparents nor my dad had thought to get the mail, the newspaper, or pick up the trash can that had blown over in last nights strong winds. so i got all the mail out of the jammed mail box, and at that point i realized how much my arms hurt. i bent over to get the newspaper and almost didnt get up. i decided that all my hands are full and i dont have the energy to get the trash can. it took me about 5min to get up those 3 stairs up to my grandmas door. i went in put the stuff down, took 3 ibuprofen and fell asleep on the couch. . .