What happend to simple

i dont know what im looking for in this but its a false sense of security that seems to work for now. i dont know what a meaningful life is, and i dont know what i want to do with my life. i cant decide , all i know is that i want to do art, have enough money and travel through out the world. i kinda miss the good old times when life was simple, when your little, and dont know that anything in the world is bad. one of my best friends lived in a meth house across the street from me, but we didnt know what that was and so we just hung out and had fun like little kids are supposed to do. i miss the days at my grandmas house, when me and her would just paint, we were so close and i loved her. . .

Crap

we have had 3 snow days and for the most part they hav been great. the first day was the worst because i had to watch my little sister. the last two days i went over to my cousins house. i had lot of fun over there, they are like my second family. now that im home i feel like complete and total shit. im now bak to everyone stepping all over me and my life being a total hell. i am almost ready to lash out, only a little more than a month. once i turn 16 and have a car i can leave when ever. . .

Hatred

i dont think that i can keep on living like this. i am deeply depressed and fully enraged. what am i supposed to get out of this. a life of slavery, everything around me is fake. they only love me because they have to, they only do it when its good for them or they have no better choices. he only buys me things so i dont catch on, well guess what i have and for some odd reason ive put up with it. they want me to talk to them with more respect, they dont deserve respect. it is taking all of my energy not to lash out right now, just a quick phone call to my sister then they no know the truth, the strong hatred i have toward them, then my sister will arrive to pick me up. i could live with her for a couple of weeks. they probably wouldnt care if i was gone, i would only hurt 3 people at most, but not them, not their perfect little 3 person family with the reject thrown in. these last three years all i have thought about is different ways of suicide, gun, rope, run in front of a car, knife, hammer, pencil, anything. anything to stop this agony. i just cant bring myself to do it. . .

Sick in hell

i wake up before everyone else with my body aching all over. i know that i have to go to school today because today is "the first day" and a lot of people wont know each other very well and we will all be in the same boat but if i come tomorrow i will be the outsider, everyone else will be used to each other and i will be more of the "new kid" than ever. i get up and do my normal routine then take 3 ibuprofen. i am now ready to go and it is 4 min. after our normal departure time which means i will most likely be late. i yell for my dad to hurry up or we'll be late and he responds by yelling at me and uses the F- word 3 times when he's in the wrong. we arrive with 3 min. to spare and i slam the car door shut and walk to my class. i notice very quickly that i dont know anyone i my class so i sit at a table that no one has sat at yet, the ibuprofen has taken affect now but the shaking has not gone away, this time its not because i am sick but because i am so nervous of what other people think of me. i make it through the class without making a sound. i check my schedule about 30 times before we leave for our next class because i dont want to go into the wrong room. my next class was very small and all we did was watch the inauguration, so i made it through pretty easy, by this point the ibuprofen is starting to ware off and i am getting more and more paranoid. i text the 4 people that i know to see what lunch they have. only 1 had the same lunch as me, after 2nd block my legs were aching really bad and my throat felt like there were knifes being stuck in it. i sat with my 1 friend in a very cramped lunch room wile i ate my chocolate shake. i went to my third block and the girls at my table were very annoying and i just wanted to kill my self, but the teacher is awesome. by the end of the class i felt the worst i did all day. i stumble upstairs to my last class of the day running a fever and all around sick i sit down and am surrounded by freaks, i am not quick to judge, but they were weird and sense i thought this of them i was positive that they thought this of me which made me even more self conscience and so our teach came in, she is the worst by far, and tells us that she doesnt like it when students use the restrooms and she is going to have homework every night. she doesnt take late work and is just mean. she goes through the syllabus and then assigned us 40 problems to do for homework and a worksheet. she gave us 15 min. in class. i used about 3 of those min. before i gave up. i put my things away and lade my head down. i wake up and there is still 5 more min. until this day is over. my whole body is numb from the pain. 1min. i get my things and stand as the bell rings. i am pushed aside by the 31 other people that want to get out of that class. i am pushed down the hall ways by the 100s of people trying to get down the steps. i was dreading the steps, i forcefully went down them fast and afterwards my legs were throbbing.i stepped out side which is about 2 degrees F and i walk as fast as possible home because i had to pee soooo bad because my last teacher wouldnt let me, i was still moving quite slow though because of my legs might i add, i then passed Bri's truck, she gives me a ride home sometimes. she is no were in sight today, the day when i need her the most. i talk to myself wile i walk because it helps me get my mind off of the elements ,the fact that i have to pee so bad and my whole entire body throbbing with pain. i was finally on my grandmas street and could see the red truck, which hadnt moved in years , which is my half way point. once i reached the red truck i could See through the bushes a shiny yellow glare and knew that my dad was here to pick me up early. feelings of joy and of rage came over me. i was happy to know that i was going to be in my bed soon, but mad at the man who yelled at me for no reason this morning. i come up to the drive way and see that neither my grandparents nor my dad had thought to get the mail, the newspaper, or pick up the trash can that had blown over in last nights strong winds. so i got all the mail out of the jammed mail box, and at that point i realized how much my arms hurt. i bent over to get the newspaper and almost didnt get up. i decided that all my hands are full and i dont have the energy to get the trash can. it took me about 5min to get up those 3 stairs up to my grandmas door. i went in put the stuff down, took 3 ibuprofen and fell asleep on the couch. . .

Relaxation

in this 4 day weekend i havent woken up before 11am. on any of the days. i think its because sleep is my only escape. dreaming takes me to another world a world that is the most amazing place ever. another part of this might be the fact that ive been staying up late because after about midnight the house is completely mine. everyone is asleep and there is no yelling, no attitude, just complete and utter calm. today is extra special because my little sister is gone all day and i have the house to my self. although my kitten woke me up around 8:00 i pet him until he fell asleep in my arms the we slept until 12:30. today is a nothing day and ive needed one for a long time. . .

They are push overs

my mom has text me about 5 times telling me i need to try to do something with my friends. i really think she just wants me to get away from her. i can tell after about 10 min. of being around her she gets all pissy. i dont understand what i have done wrong. every day they come up with bull shit things for me to do, take out the trash, do laundry, do the dishes, vacuum, dust, clean the living room, fix the 20 things my little sister has broken, take out the cat box, feed the cats... and all of this is being done wile my little sister sit on her ass getting pampered by my parents. and when they ask her to do something she just says no and thats the end of it. they are the most pathetic people that i know with they "push over" sense of life, (only with there favorite) , there obsessive need to "keep up with the jones' " they have absolutely no back bone until it comes to dealing with me. . .

The second suffering

i am dreading the thought of leaving school tommorow. tommorow is the last day of the semester and that mean i say good bye to all the people i know now and i start over. in the new semester i will be fourced into the haunting environment were i know no one. it will be the first week of school all over again, and i have to say that first week was one of the worst weeks of my life. . .

the omen

i have just found out that in may i am going to europe to live with my aunt for a month. and frankly i cant wait. i want to get out of this hell hole some people might call a home. this house is my jail, were i am tortured by this omen child who runs the house. she sceams, yells, manipulates, and gets what ever she wants. its a never ending game of favorites were she is always 2 steps ahead. it is never enough for those things i call mom and dad, there is no way that i can become there favorite anymore. ever sence she was born she was the one. for about a month after her 3 months premature birth her and my parents were the only people in what we call our family, to the press and at the time felt like the whole world. i can remember that day that they were on the front page of the news paper that said " The _______ Family" with a picture of the devil child and my parents, not me not my other 2 sisters, just the favorite. at that point i realized that im not inportant anymore. i now start to wonder, will i ever be . . .

Pethetic

so i have just noticed how pethetic my life is that i have spent all day dreaming about this "online diary" that has become a strange addiction. and to know that no one will be reading this except my next door neigbor who i can go talk to when ever i want. i have waited for this moment to have free time in my fourth block english class all day, but to only get on and write this dumb passage. this type of venting is one that i call highly unusual. this whole semester has been a time of unusual firsts: first time feeling completely and udderly alone, first time seeing someone do drugs, first time seeing people on drugs, first time in a public school, first time blogging . . .

realization

so last nite wile laying in my bed i finally realized death. not just " oh, well, you live then you die" crap. but the fact that most lives mean nothing. i mean most people didnt do a thing in there life, didnt help someone, didnt make a big contribution, didnt mean anything. to have a real existence you have to go down in history, have a fan club, be recognizable. or else you are just another sad soul going through the routine the gov. set out for you. your job that means noting, your tv that means nothing and anything else that you mindlessly do. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, SOMETHING EXTRORDINARY...

hi

so here i am. this is my life talking to strange peole that i dont even know? well i guess. each day i wake up go to school go through my classes feeling as if this were even worth it, walk a mile wich i do not seldomly think of a a life time away, i think of it as a misserable time of me with me, just thinking, "what am i gonna do today, eat, watch tv, try to do homework, but figure its to hard for your little brain to think over, watch tv, get on laptop, check if any of my people that i frankly just dont know have written on my blog, facebook, or email, sleep. restart" what kind of life is that i want to escape, branch out. once i turn 16 in march i will get my dream, it will all be worth it for 5 min. but then i relize i have no were to escape to...